father's day.

father's day is bittersweet. while I love celebrating all of the men in my life who are fathers it will never be easy for me without my dad. I still can't believe it's been almost five years since we lost him and not a day goes by where I don't think of him and miss him. I felt lost for a long time without him as he was my rock and my absolute hero but it's gotten easier as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, and eventually - the months turned to years. however, easier, does not equal easy.  


today as I lay in bed [way too late] overwhelmed by thoughts of my dad there are  few things that stick out and that make me smile away the tears...


I think of the times that he would let me mess up his [always perfectly combed] hair when no one else could touch it...
I think of him saying "elephants never forget" for as long as I could remember...
I think of him sacrificing so that I could experience the childhood and adulthood that he thought I deserved and needed...
I think of his encouragement over the years and how it made me that much more confident in myself...
I think of all the nicknames he gave my boyfriends over the years [always deprecating, of course]...
I think of how he had such a crush on Ellen DeGeneres [if you've met my dad, this makes it even more strange]...
I think of how much he survived and how it makes me realize that I can survive too...


He was a character, he was a card-carrying member of the NRA, as conservative as they came, yet, one of the most accepting men I knew on so many levels. He always had a cloth handkerchief, he believed that real men didn't use straws or umbrellas [and therefore never did either of those things]. More than anything, he was my daddy - the gruff man of few words who was witty, strong and honorable. 


There are so many things over the past four and half years I wish I could share with him, and I know that feeling won't ever go away.  it's such a difficult thing to explain, yet there is this small [and hopefully it will stay small] "support group" that I have of friends who have lost their fathers in the past few years - that's something that you never wish on anyone - but when it happens, it's so much easier to take solace with someone who knows how you feel. there's a pang in your heart that feels almost unanswered or you just hear the echos of your words reverberating and repeating into nothingness. as comforting as it is to know I am not the only one,  it pains me to know that there others that feel this way [not just today, but all days]. So on days like today, I think of my daddy and theirs - I think of them and send them strength just as I know they are to me. 


I know this post may not be the easiest to follow, but it's what I'm feeling. I hope that wherever you are, you're having a happy fathers day celebrating the dads in your life and remembering those that are no longer with us. me, I'll be in a haze of memories all day trying to balance the celebrations of the present and the memories of the dad who made me the woman I am today. 

happy fathers day daddy, I love you. eighty eight.