back to the grind.

yup. tomorrow is the day that has been looming in the back of my head for the past twelve weeks week - I go back to the office tomorrow. oh man. [deep breath] I'll be honest, I'm extremely conflicted. on one hand, I truly do enjoy what I do [most days] and the people I work with - and I'm excited about going back to work.

on the other hand, I feel a bit guilty about that - shouldn't I be completely dreading this?   BUT that's the thing, while I'm not dreading it I am getting a little pang of hurt in my heart that I'm leaving my sweet pea... the fact that we still haven't moved closer to work for unforeseen circumstances [to be shared at a later date] makes this even more difficult... I have to get in the car and drive over an hour to work, work eight hours and drive over an hour home. I'm going to get home in time to eat dinner/spend around an hour with Penny before she goes to bed.... and the days I have to work late? I won't see her other than when I feed her before I leave for work.

shit. 

...and now, I'm crying.

I guess my heart isn't quite as cold and frigid as we all thought it was.

I know this will get easier when we move closer to the city and I'm not spending three hours in the car alone and when she's in school/daycare near my work and I can pop in and see her... but I'm already emotionally and physically exhausted thinking of the next few weeks. I feel like I'm just going to miss her so much -- it makes it worse [selfishly] that I'm the only thing that's changing and being removed from the situation... I'm the only one leaving her behind. she'll be home with DJ and his mom and they get to see her giggle all day long, kiss her sweet chubby cheeks, feed her bottles and just be in her presence.

ugh. 

then I remind myself, we have bills to pay -- and, money aside, I worked pretty damn hard for that masters degree that I get to use day in and day out. I don't just have a job, I have a career and a passion. This might be something that I'm able to walk away from one day and hang up on a shelf and say - well we had a good run. But that day is not today, that year is not this year. I get to make a difference in my job and I thrive on that. I just hope that by working to make a difference in lives of the students I work with I don't miss out on the opportunity to make a difference in the one life that I truly want to mold and impact - Penelope's.

so I hear I sit. I crumbled mess of emotions not quite sure how to feel or what I feel.... AND in other news, DJ [who is oblivous to the fact that I'm crying - gotta love observant men] just put on Call Me, Maybe? and is jamming out -- yup. cloud lifted. smile on my face.

gotta love that man.

emotional rant over.

I'm going to go hug on my music snob husband who loves himself some Carly Rae Jepsen, that's my special boy...