Sunday, August 12, 2012

back to the grind.

yup. tomorrow is the day that has been looming in the back of my head for the past twelve weeks week - I go back to the office tomorrow. oh man. [deep breath] I'll be honest, I'm extremely conflicted. on one hand, I truly do enjoy what I do [most days] and the people I work with - and I'm excited about going back to work.

on the other hand, I feel a bit guilty about that - shouldn't I be completely dreading this?   BUT that's the thing, while I'm not dreading it I am getting a little pang of hurt in my heart that I'm leaving my sweet pea... the fact that we still haven't moved closer to work for unforeseen circumstances [to be shared at a later date] makes this even more difficult... I have to get in the car and drive over an hour to work, work eight hours and drive over an hour home. I'm going to get home in time to eat dinner/spend around an hour with Penny before she goes to bed.... and the days I have to work late? I won't see her other than when I feed her before I leave for work.

shit. 
...and now, I'm crying.

I guess my heart isn't quite as cold and frigid as we all thought it was.

I know this will get easier when we move closer to the city and I'm not spending three hours in the car alone and when she's in school/daycare near my work and I can pop in and see her... but I'm already emotionally and physically exhausted thinking of the next few weeks. I feel like I'm just going to miss her so much -- it makes it worse [selfishly] that I'm the only thing that's changing and being removed from the situation... I'm the only one leaving her behind. she'll be home with DJ and his mom and they get to see her giggle all day long, kiss her sweet chubby cheeks, feed her bottles and just be in her presence.

ugh. 

then I remind myself, we have bills to pay -- and, money aside, I worked pretty damn hard for that masters degree that I get to use day in and day out. I don't just have a job, I have a career and a passion. This might be something that I'm able to walk away from one day and hang up on a shelf and say - well we had a good run. But that day is not today, that year is not this year. I get to make a difference in my job and I thrive on that. I just hope that by working to make a difference in lives of the students I work with I don't miss out on the opportunity to make a difference in the one life that I truly want to mold and impact - Penelope's.

so I hear I sit. I crumbled mess of emotions not quite sure how to feel or what I feel.... AND in other news, DJ [who is oblivous to the fact that I'm crying - gotta love observant men] just put on Call Me, Maybe? and is jamming out -- yup. cloud lifted. smile on my face.

gotta love that man.
emotional rant over.
I'm going to go hug on my music snob husband who loves himself some Carly Rae Jepsen, that's my special boy...

12 comments:

LWLH said...

Big hugs your way love!! :)

Kattrina said...

Going back to work is hard on everyone. All my co-workers said they cried for the first week when they had to drop their babies off at daycare. I think it's normal. At least Penny gets to stay with your family and doesn't have to go to daycare and get used to strangers. I am dreading returning to work and my maternity leave hasn't even started! I commute 1.5-2 hours each way to work too so end up with 12+ days - not super conducive to mommy-time. Nothing is ever easy, right!

Good luck!!!

Katie & Ryan said...

It is so hard! I don't think there are any words I can say to make it better, but I'm sending hugs your way :) I will say that sometimes I feel like I have more energy for Fiona when I get back from work. It sounds a bit counterintuitive, but it's true. Good luck today!!!

Kristin said...

aw, good luck going back to work! at least she's in excellent hands while you're away! :)

Audra said...

Dammit, now I'm going to cry :( You can do this. She will be fine, I promise, and she will love you just as much at the end of the day than she does now. And it's important to get your adult time in there too, you'll be a better mommy for it. I hope you can move closer soon. Big HUGS!

Suze said...

That would be so hard! I am not looking forward to that day coming myself, as much as I love what I do. I hope that you had a good day anyway.

Stephanie said...

I can't even imagine the conflicting emotions you must be experiencing. But I do think having a career that you're passionate about is a very strong way to be a great parent. You're teaching your daughter that a woman can be strong, career-driven, goal-oriented, and passionate about helping others while still being a devoted and loving mother. What better role model could she possibly have? My mom was a single parent and had to work to support me and my sister. She was rarely home with us but that didn't have a negative effect on either of us. Quite the opposite - through her, I saw what it means to be independent, self-sustaining, and a fighter. Without seeing those qualities in her, I highly doubt I would've been able to leave a steady job and start a business on my own. Even though you may not be home with Penny as much as you'd like, you are still molding and impacting her life in a very positive way. That has to make you feel a little better, right? :)

dave and jenn said...

Thinking of you today! The first two days are the hardest, but I know you'll make it!

Laura said...

Just read this...Hope you aren't having too bad of a day! I can only imagine how tough it was to leave that cutie this morning! I'll be thinking about you all week :)

Sarah said...

I feel ya, girl. It is sad how much I think about the dread of going back. I lay awake at night wondering if I am doing the right thing going back....and as much as I would love to through responsibilities out the window I know this is what is right/needed for our family right now. Your pic with the computer and fun pens gave me a little bit of motivation though!! Needed that!! Hope the day/week isn't too tough...and as per usual, send me tips and advice!! HA! :)

Smart Ass Sara said...

You know what? It's not as awful. I feel like working is my recharging before I spend a bunch of dedicated hours to my kids every night. Sometimes...you need adult interaction and to not smell poop. I'd be lying if I said some days... I really enjoy going to work. :)

Wiz said...

I worked until Colt was 2.5 and never planned to be a SAHM. THe first day back to work was BRUTAL but every day got easier. Sounds like Penny has a great support system!

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